Valery Ronshin “Tales about astronauts”
Fairy tale
about perpendicular Earth
and cosmonaut Savushkin
Once upon a time there was an astronaut named Savushkin who never flew into space. You may ask: how is it possible that you are an astronaut and have never flown into space? Yes, very simple. Football players, for example, have reserve players, and astronauts have backup players. A backup is a spare astronaut who flies into space if something happens to the main astronaut at the last minute before launch. Well, his wife will call him on his cell phone and say that she accidentally broke his favorite cup. The astronaut’s mood, of course, will immediately deteriorate. How can you fly into space with a bad mood? No way. So he doesn’t fly, but a backup flies instead. Our Savushkin was such an understudy.
A year passes, two passes, three, four, five... And Savushkin is still an understudy and an understudy. Others do nothing but fly into space. But Savushkin is not. At the cosmodrome he would wave to the next astronaut and go home without a sip. And he is not happy at home. Because his wife is not sugar. And she saw... Savushkin kept nagging and nagging, nagging and nagging: “When will you finally fly into space?..” In addition, Savushkin has children - all of them, as one, are poor students.
In short, Savushkin was unlucky with either space, his wife, or his children.
And one day Savushkin was sitting at the window in the evening, saddened, looking at the starry sky.
“Really,” he thinks, “will I never fly into space?”
And then suddenly the phone rang - ding, ding.
“I’m listening,” says Savushkin.
— Is this cosmonaut Savushkin? - the invisible interlocutor asks.
“Double Savushkin,” Savushkin corrects him with a heavy sigh.
— Do you want to become a real astronaut? - asks his invisible interlocutor. — Do you want to fly into space?
“Of course I want to,” Savushkin answers with an even heavier sigh. - Who will let me in there?
“I’ll launch it,” answers the invisible interlocutor.
- And who are you? - Savushkin asks him.
“It doesn’t matter,” the interlocutor answers.
- But how...
- Same here. And in general, there’s something I don’t understand: do you want to fly into space or do you want to know who I am?
- Into the space! - blurted out the understudy Savushkin.
- Well, then, fly. A car will pick you up and take you to our secret cosmodrome, from which you will launch on a secret rocket into space.
- And when? - Savushkin asks with bated breath, afraid to believe his happiness.
- Right now.
And then again - ding-ding! - call. But this time it’s not a telephone call, but a doorbell. And on the threshold - some man.
— Are you cosmonaut Savushkin?
- I.
- Get ready for space.
Well, why should Savushkin get ready? He's a double. He's always ready! I put on my spacesuit, got into the car... We rushed off.
-Where are we going? — Savushkin asks the driver.
- To the secret cosmodrome.
That's all. Say no more.
They rushed to the secret cosmodrome, and there the secret rocket was already standing, ready to launch. Savushkin climbed into it and sat in the pilot’s seat. “Let's go,” he says.
And the secret rocket immediately soared into the night sky, and then into space.
And so the backup Savushkin flies, that is, now cosmonaut Savushkin, and his soul sings with happiness - la-la-la... la-la-la... Why shouldn’t she sing if she was eager to go into space for so many years, and here it is on you - space!
But no joy, even the greatest, lasts too long. Savushkin rejoiced along with his soul for an hour and a half, and then he thought: “Why did they launch me from a secret cosmodrome on a secret rocket into space?” As soon as he thought about it, ding-ding! — the transmitter started working.
— Cosmonaut Savushkin?!
- I! - Savushkin answers.
— How is the flight going?
— The flight is going well!
— Why “okay” and not “excellent”?
- Yes, I’m thinking here...
- We know what you are thinking. Why were you launched into space from a secret cosmodrome on a secret rocket? Right?
- Yes sir!
- Don’t think so, you’d better look out the window.
Savushkin looked out the porthole and gasped.
And there was something to gasp from, because Savushkin did not see either the Moon or the Earth behind the porthole... What about the Earth and the Moon, he didn’t even see the Sun. And the endless cosmic emptiness spreads out before his eyes. Without a single star.
“That’s the number for me to die,” says the dumbfounded and dumbfounded Savushkin. - Where have all the planets gone from space?
“They haven’t gone anywhere,” a voice from the transmitter answers him. - They were never there.
- How did this not happen?! And the Earth with the Moon, and the Sun, and the stars... - Savushkin listed.
“So this is in ordinary space - the Earth with the Moon and the Sun with the stars,” explains the voice, “but we launched you into perpendicular space.”
“Which one, which one?” Savushkin asked.
- Perpendicular. In which there is nothing.
- Why didn’t you tell me about this right away? - Savushkin doesn’t understand.
- Then you wouldn’t have flown.
- Why didn’t you fly? - Savushkin again doesn’t understand.
- Yes, because there is no way back from perpendicular space. We were only able to send a rocket there with you, but we don’t yet know how to return it back.
It was then that Savushkin realized what kind of trick they had set up for him.
- Shame on you! - he says in his hearts.
“We’re still ashamed,” answers the voice from the transmitter. “But science requires sacrifices.” Someone has to be a pioneer.
- Well, the trees are green! - Savushkin is indignant.
“Don’t be so upset,” the voice from the transmitter consoles him. “There’s enough air for you to last your entire life, and enough food too... But here on Earth, we’ll erect a monument to you as a pioneering hero.”
“They could have at least let the dog in first,” Savushkin continues to be indignant, “why do we need a human right away?!”
“The Animal Welfare Society forbade us from launching dogs into perpendicular space,” explains the voice. “So please forgive me sincerely and farewell forever.” Now the connection will be lost.
And exactly. The connection was lost.
And cosmonaut Savushkin was left alone with perpendicular space...
- What should I do now in this perpendicular space? - He scratches the back of his head.
And he really has nothing to do. Just fly. Here Savushkin is flying. It flies and flies... It flies and flies... It flies and flies... Suddenly it sees the Earth. At first he didn’t even believe his eyes. Then I looked closer: it was definitely Earth. Over there is Africa, over there is Antarctica... Well, Savushkin went to land. I've arrived. Got out of the ship. And in front of him is the real Russia: fields... forests... rivers... tram No. 15, on which Savushkin usually returned home from the cosmodrome when he was an understudy. Savushkin got on this tram and went home. Had arrived. The entrance, the floor, the door... Everything is also his - familiar and dear. He opened the door... And then...
And then Savushkin realized that he was not on ordinary Earth, but on perpendicular one. Because where does an ordinary Earth come from in perpendicular space?.. But the point is not even in space, but in Savushkin’s wife. His wife turned out to be completely different here. Not like on ordinary Earth, but gentle and kind. And the children are also completely different - excellent students and smart.
What about children and his wife, if Savushkin himself is different here - not some kind of understudy, but a colonel general and an honored pilot-cosmonaut.
That's it! As they say: what you don't expect is what you get.
